My 15 Year Saturn Return
a (free!) essay dedicated to everyone questioning where they’re at in life
i called my best friend the other day and told her i’m just feeling off. like, what am i even doing with my life? sometimes when i really stop and think too hard about it—consider the implications of my job on the planet, about the grander scheme of things—i feel tired and confused and frustrated—i thought this was a 27-29 year old thing? why, at 31, am i feeling like i need to reconsider my place in life? anyway, she validated my feelings and told me this is totally normal… because apparently, “your Saturn Return lasts for like 5 years instead of the publicized 2 years—it just takes 3 years to wear off.” fucking great.
if you’re unfamiliar with the term “Saturn Return,” it’s this astrological event that supposedly marks a significant period of change and upheaval in your life, typically happening around ages 27-30. it's like the universe’s way of giving you a cosmic kick in the ass, making you question everything and reevaluate your path.
the more i think about it, the more i realize we’re all constantly experiencing these “little deaths”, as i like to call them. our life circumstances—whether we like it or not—change, which moves us in different directions or sets us on a new path, and that can be scary. sometimes, the hobby, job, or relationship that we’ve attached our identity to for so long becomes somewhat distant. then, feelings of shame arise as we grow into this new version of ourselves, leading to feelings of insecurity and abandonment.
i remember feeling this way at 16 when i started making new friends. and again at 19 when i stopped doing theater and focused more on academics. and again at 23 after graduating college and beginning graduate school. and again at 25 when i began my career as a speech pathologist. and again at 26 when my boyfriend broke up with me because “he couldn’t give me what i deserved.” and again at 28 when i moved to New York City. and again at 30 when i settled down in San Francisco. here i am, 31 years old, and the feeling is crawling back, making itself known. does this mean i’ve been in Saturn Return for… 15 years?
i’m friends with people younger than me and older than me, and every six months or so, we find ourselves venting about one thing or another that feels life-defining.
don’t get me wrong, i have weeks—months even—where i feel aliiiiigned. where i nod my head aggressively at that one instagram story from that one astrologist i follow telling me that my Lunar Nodes (whatever the fuck those are) are perfectly aligned with my destiny (whatever the fuck that means). and then maybe something happens—or maybe nothing happens—but i wake up one day feeling kind of confused and anxious and depressed, and i don’t know how long it’ll last. sometimes, it’s comforting to remember we’re all in this place of not-knowing; that our lives aren’t really meant to move at a consistent speed on a linear track.
not to be cliché, but it could be that we’re all thinking a little too hard about life. maybe the best thing we can do is welcome the unknown. maybe it’s about recognizing that what we want might not be what we need and that life won’t always make sense. maybe it’s about accepting that this feeling of hopelessness will come and go, no matter what stage of life we are in.
maybe, right now, it’s being in New York, surrounded by thousands of humans every day. i’m just one person in a sea of people, each of us dealing with our own problems at various levels. it’s humbling and, in a strange way, reassuring. a reminder that we’re never really alone.
the majority of today’s newsletter isn’t paywalled in the hopes that this essay reaches the people who need to see it most. but if you want to read more essays like this, have access to more exclusive content, and support the time it takes for me to put this thing together, i’m discounting my annual membership. $40 for the entire year… which is, like, 2 cocktails in nyc.
Journal Prompts
how are you feeling about your current place in life and the direction you're heading? are there aspects of your identity or circumstances that feel uncertain or in transition? reflect on what gives you clarity or brings you peace during times of ambiguity.
think about a recent moment when you felt aligned and confident in your path. what factors contributed to that sense of alignment?
Brain Bites
nourishing your intellect and feeding your guilty pleasures by sharing what i’m reading, listening to, watching, and/or learning about in the media.
i’ve really pulled back from sharing my daily life on social media. as an “influencer” it can be tough to decide how much to share. if i’ve learned anything over the last few years it’s that not everything needs to be documented on your phone. this article passionately encourages you to live! in! the! moment!
in light of father’s day being today… it’s wild to me how many men don’t get a significant paternity leave. this article reflects on changing social norms and evolving expectations of modern fatherhood amidst corporate practices.
sometimes i look at really good athletes and i’m like… they’re built different, but not just physically. when it comes to career/sports, etc. i think it’s so important to pay attention to the ways you’re being shaped and have awareness about the kinds of bargains you’re making for success - this article argues that point and the nuance that comes with it.
Ugly Selfies in NYC
i haven’t really taken any vibey pictures in new york, so instead of a “life lately” section, here’s a compilation of very ridiculous selfies i’ve sent my friends over the last 2 weeks.
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