The Joy of Missing Out

just another girl talking about Brat summer and how social media is ruining our lives

i’m going to take an educated guess and assume we’ve all experienced fomo at some point in our lives. i first felt the feeling my senior year of college when i, regrettably, treated Snapchat like a necessary food group in my diet. it was winter and i was endlessly scrolling through stories of “friends” hanging out without me. the feeling came on rather quick. lightheaded, short of breath, and nauseous within the span of 10 seconds - all of the sudden i was on the verge of tears and questioning everything. was i embarrassing? was i a loser? orrr was i… 21 and pregnant? because i had only ever equated physical manifestations like these to be a marker of the first trimester of pregnancy. i guess the idea that there were inside jokes being created without me was even worse than the idea of being knocked up by the asshole i was sleeping with on Sunday nights while watching new Game of Thrones episodes in his dirty frat room. i came to the (very logical) conclusion that these inside jokes would be repeated years into the future, a continual reminder of how i wasn’t wanted, needed, or fun to be around.

the joy of missing out.

as both an influencer and a scholar, i decided to do some really high-quality, in-depth research for this essay. my findings show that FOMO (otherwise known as the Fear Of Missing Out) is a main player in the mental health conversation of today. online, it’s defined as the “anxiety that an exciting or interesting event may currently be happening elsewhere”. yes, and beyond that, the dread that your absence from said event will greatly impact your future, reputation, and friendships. as i move into my 30’s, an ‘event’ can be classified as anything from a party to a home ownership announcement, to someone sharing endless photos of their baby… the list goes on.

fomo sobriety

it’s exhausting. so exhausting, in fact, that in 2016 i committed myself to fomo sobriety. after moving home from college, i had a choice: watch other’s lives go on without me or enjoy the life i had in front of me. i chose the latter. i deleted Snapchat and stayed off of my personal instagram. like most stories that involve substance abuse, the beginning was an overwhelming struggle, but soon cravings became less intense, and eventually i reached a turning point. with time, i found enjoyment in the present moment and the people around me. the constant pressure to stay updated on everyone else's lives faded, replaced by a sense of peace and contentment. my self-worth was no longer tied to why everyone was hanging out without me, but to the genuine experiences i was having offline. i became less worried about what i was missing out on, and more concerned that i wouldn’t make it home from yoga early enough to watch Mad Men before my 9pm bedtime, a phenomenon i like to call JOMO.

incase you had any question about the validity of my snapchat era

enter: jomo

further findings in my very official research (read: internet rabbit hole) show that JOMO (otherwise known as the Joy Of Missing Out), while less researched than fomo, is still a topic in the mental health conversation. jomo is legit (if you consider the Cleveland Clinic Online Database legit… i definitely do…) and is said to “increase your productivity and focus, engagement in relationships, and improve emotional and physical wellbeing.” so, i guess this begs the question: how do we reach nirvana a state of jomo?

it’s confidently stated (again, online, from a very reputable source) that the feeling of fomo is directly related to social media usage, which makes sense. it’s one thing to hate your job, but to hate your job, sign onto instagram, and watch “everyone” receiving promotions and unlimited PTO is a truly sinister experience.

i’m not going to lie to you and tell you i never experience fomo, but over the years i’ve gotten really good at living in a state of jomo. which, i guess, makes me somewhat qualified to give you some tips on how i believe i’ve found it.

• build a life you love — this one isn’t easy, but it’s possible. sit down with yourself and list out what you’ve got going on in your life. who are your friends? what are your hobbies? how clean is your apartment? take inventory of everything that shows up for you every single day. then, start to cut things out that make you feel like shit. and once you’ve done that, begin to add new things/people/experiences in. and honestly, you don’t need to go as far as having UnDyInG LooOoVE for your life, if you can find a way to be just content with the life you live, you won’t need much to enhance it.

• spend less time on social media — unpopular opinion, but you don’t need to go completely dark on social media to experience jomo. generally, you need to find a healthy balance between being offline and online. that might mean you temporarily delete instagram on the weekends or set time limits during the work day. if you can focus more on what’s in front of you IRL, you’ll spend less time worrying about other people and what they’re up to.

• don’t be afraid to tell people how you feel — if you’re feeling left out, speak up! get vulnerable with your friend(s) and let them know that you feel hurt and a bit anxious that you’ve been missing out on so many events. or, let a friend know that you’ve been having a hard time at work and while you are so excited for their recent promotion, you don’t think you can stand to hear about it anymore.

• get over it — hate to be harsh, but at some point, you just gotta get over it. remember that there will always be another concert, party, or trip. there will always be more time to make jokes and connect on a deeper level. i truly believe that everything that happens to you, happens for you. a huge part of “getting over it” is trusting that you’re exactly where you need to be. furthermore, allowing yourself to feel the anxiety, fear, & embarrassment and eventually to let it go is a gift.

fomo and the creator

i want to add a sub-section for the select few content creators, writers, artists, etc. reading this. i think it’s important for me to mention where fomo has been showing up in my life lately. as a content creator whose main platform is on tiktok/instagram (and even substack!) i believe that the mere act of being on social media & watching other creators come up with new content grinds you down. there’s a fine line between feeling inspired and feeling left out or behind. whether you realize it or not, the constant consumption of other people’s content opens you up to a world of unhealthy comparison. you’re unable to view it as an un-biased consumer, because you’re thinking about how you can make your own content better or more interesting. this particular brand of fomo is a form of Hell that i realized i needed to quickly move away from.

jomo, continued…

earlier this year i wrote an essay called Escaping The Scroll. TLDR; it’s about the pledge i made to completely release social media from my life on the weekends.

not to be dramatic, but 3 months without social media on the weekends has expanded my life. i am truly overjoyed to be missing out on everyone’s lives and creative endeavors Fri-Sun. more than that, my habits around my phone have completely shifted Mon-Fri. now, when i reach for my phone, it’s to throw on an audio book or text friends back after a month of not responding. and yes, sometimes i use Strava on the weekends. SUE ME. but, i am no longer gob-smacked by my screen time reports and instagram is no longer the first app i open in the morning when i’m brushing my teeth.

it’s no surprise to me that ‘The Man’ is punishing me for my lack of online frequency. i’ve seen a drastic decrease in followers and engagement and i’m not going to lie to you, sometimes it hurts (fomo), but the joy i experience offline makes it worth it (jomo).

aesthetic weekend photos are old news. here’s an accurate depiction of what exists on my camera roll Fri-Sun. which hat do i look best in? the correct answer is all of them.

jomo and the millennial

this week, i read an article by

Tommy Dixon

explaining how our “extremely online era” is coming to an end. and i fucking felt that. don’t you see it? it’s now awkward when someone shares every aspect of their life on social media. the cool people are off living, utilizing their 5 senses and not posting about it… even some of the influencers. i find that the people i respect the most are chronically offline. as millennials, it feels like we have an opportunity that the younger generations don’t have: we know what it’s like to live without the constant inundation of everyone’s personal lives in our faces. and maybe it’s a product of getting older, but i think a lot of us crave privacy for ourselves and for others. i know i deeply crave privacy for every single parent posting their kid online with a heart emoji over their child’s face… just don’t post your kid!!!! it’s sooo simple <3 i digress…

it’s researched (again, take that word with a grain of salt) that people who exhibit jomo are generally introverts, which got me thinking about how so many millennials have transitioned from extroverted to introverted personality types. i know i have. put simply, i think that aging + post-pandemic life = social anxiety. i also think that many of us are exhausted from trying to find a work-life balance. we want to buy a house and have fun… how hard can it be?! oh, actually, really hard.

so, how do we embrace our newfound introversion and find a state of jomo?

we sit at home, but we don’t incessantly refresh our ‘Find My Friends’ to see where our friends are partying without us.

we turn down an invitation to hang out, but we don’t stay up until 2am watching tik tok’s wishing we would’ve just gone out.

we take PTO, but we don’t check our emails every 5 minutes in the fear that our boss has set up a random 1-1 for monday morning. (no, you’re not getting fired)

and for the love of God, we get a hobby. we find something that excites us, gets us off of our phones, and brings us unbridled joy.

fomo & jomo, finding balance

according to aforementioned super-legit mental health articles found on Google Scholar, it’s not good to experience too much of one or the other. ah, balance. one guy/doctor/scientist/random wiki editor in Ohio eating Cheeto’s at his computer in a dark room, says that it’s important to feel jomo as it leads to a general undercurrent of happiness. but, it’s also important to feel fomo, as it can motivate you to get out of your comfort zone and try something new. ok, guy. whatever you say!

but actually, i get this. the twinge of fomo i felt every time i saw a friend buying a house or having a baby or getting a promotion at work gently guided me into signing up for a triathlon. because if you’re not buying a house, having a baby, or training for a marathon are you even a millennial??? to date, it’s the most difficult physical and mental challenge i’ve ever taken on, and i can’t wait to rub it in everyone’s faces online once i finish! i kid, i kid.

the point being: fomo should be an experience that lightly motivates us to think outside the box and get excited about setting a goal or trying something new. what it should not be is a tummy-twisting mental breakdown that causes us to question our relationships or how we’re living our lives.

Brat summer, on my terms

it seems like everyone is having a Brat summer and for a second, i was convinced i wasn’t. and i felt kind of bad about it… like i was missing out. i thought to myself, “i am not So Julia. this season is not about partying, edgy-fun, or complicated friendships resulting in jealousy.” but after writing this essay, i realized that having a Brat summer is just about is enjoying your life on your own terms. it’s about being unapologetic in the way you live. for me, it’s baggy jeans and sweatshirts in July. it’s early morning bike rides. it’s renting an apartment and not buying a house. it’s the farmers market on Sundays and dinner before 6 (and bed before 9). it’s being childless. it’s sharing less of my private life and staying off of social media, even if that means my business struggles because of it. it’s watching less instagram stories. it’s staying up late eating Indian food. it’s being cozied up in the corner of my couch at 730pm, letting the golden sun touch my skin as it sets over the bridge, listening to voices of people out to dinner at the french bistro down the street and not giving a single fuck.

what about you?